March 16th, 2009 Zen
Considering how many people I have seen online who whine constantly, I estimate that 70% of all players speak fluent Complainese, and have little knowledge of plain English. These players issue complicated statements, in which the subtle meanings are lost. Due to syntax errors in an English-speaker’s understanding of these players, I have decided to create a simple guide - a phrasebook, if you will - to help the few of us still acquainted with punctuation outside of Shift-1.
Complainese: “What a shit team” or “You guys all suck” or “Fail team”. Translation: “I have played this game with teams that operate well together, and this is not one of them. However, rather than adapting my own tactics to suit the team, I continued doing what I usually do in the hopes that brute force would suffice, which it did not. In the future, every one of you should do something different in the hopes of all being as good as me.”
Complainese: “<Player> sucks” followed by “<Player> should have <performed tactic> at <specific time>”. Translation: “You should have performed my suggested tactic because all of my precisely calculated conditions were in effect. I find it unacceptable that you should have done anything that I wouldn’t have done were I in your position. This game would be so much better if played by dozens of clones of me.”
Complainese: “Damn closet campers” (Left4Dead). Translation: “I see that the opposing team has adopted a tactic the puts them in a highly defendable position, thereby rendering my attacks useless until they inevitably move on. I deem this to be unacceptable. The appropriate thing to do would be for this team to stand at a junction of corridors, allowing us multiple angles of attack, so that the playing fields be fair. In the event of a real zombie apocalypse, I expect that any survivors would do the same.”
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